Thursday, May 6, 2010

How do we know that the sky is not green, and we are all just color-blind?

I have been swept off my feet to a little place called “Reality”. It's not as bad as I feared it would be, or as peaceful as I had hoped, but it’s definitely somewhere in the middle...

I have not even come close to escaping my cynicism, but I think I've discovered a new twist that is hidden in such an outlook. What we know and what I have expressed is this: Life sucks. Life is heartbreaking. Life is hard. Life can't be planned. Life is too short. Everyone will let you down at some point. No one in your life is perfect. No one, except you, can make you happy.
Well FUCK all of our lives then!!!! Right?!


STEP 1: Fuck your life. Begin with this attitude.
STEP 2: Hate, and expect the worse from, all you come into contact with.
STEP 3: Stop paying your bills, and start buying cigs and booze.
STEP 4: Random hook-ups?
STEP 5: Make yourself gorgeous (head to toe) in order to feel good about one part of your life.

Ok, now you're officially jaded.
AND, here's what's probably going to happen now:

1) Yes, “Fuck your life!” You're never going to stop saying it, now that you see the truth behind it.
2) Everyone around you will bug the shit out of you sometimes... as you will them... and that's just the way it is. Surprisingly though, committing yourself to hating everyone will somehow turn into accepting everyone for who they are (without rose-colored glasses)... and soon that hate turns into an indifference, compassion, and/or love for whoever is bugging the shit out of you at the moment.
3) You now HAVE to pay your bills if you want a place to sleep, a phone to text with, and the ability to watch “Sixteen and Pregnant”. And it sucks to now be broke because you owe a million dollars in late-fees. And you have a smoker's cough, as well as the shakes in the morning. Lesson learned, probably not going to go that route again... at least till next time ;)
4) Just to clarify, I have not done the random hook-up for quite awhile. However, it is a good way to make you jaded; you will quickly learn you can live without those pesky STD panic attacks.
5) You now look good as a fake version of yourself: This also makes you broke, but totally worth it :)

I'm pretty sure this is where my life left off last time I wrote, so an update of what you can now look forward to if you chose to blindly follow me on my “Fuck my life!” journey?

Maybe one of your favorite uncles will die; an uncle you did not see for months because you were too busy being jaded and self-absorbed. And THEN, maybe a friend of yours will give birth three months early to a beautiful baby boy who is a miracle in himself; and you'll watch her stay strong, hopeful, and thankful every single day. And THEN, you'll see what you thought were perfect relationships end, and what you thought were shitty relationships making it work. And THEN, you'll have a great talk (as friends) with your first love who totally screwed you, and you'll find out you changed his life. And THEN, you'll have your ex-fiancĂ© want to make things right with you, and you slowly watch, as his words turn to actions, and they become something real to you. And THEN, you'll play softball (something you're terrified of because you suck) and you don't lose the game for your team and you aren’t even made to feel like the “ball-and-chain” that you know you are. And ALL THE WHILE you are in contact with your biological father's family for the first time, and things don't go as you hoped, but peace and acceptance fill your heart

Okay, that might not all happen to you verbatim, but I'm sure life will throw it's own on top of your shoulders whilst trying your hardest to believe And what I learned while trying my best to face all of this as a jaded cunt? Fuck my life, I don't really hate anyone (though I do only truly like a few), my time is best spent loving; listening; being good to those that matter; not letting my past define the future; standing up for myself; and creating the life I want... even if it contradicts what other’s want for me.

Now I'm able to see the miracles in each day, which went missed by my heart before. The absence of my “rose-colored glasses” has in fact had the opposite affect of what I expected. I’m not angry, or lonely, or fear the horror of the future; rather, I have been opened up to acceptance and strength, I’ve gained the knowledge that love is everywhere if you're willing to see it in its purest form, that I'm destined to be happy and sad just like everyone else, and that everyone has their own battles that cannot and should not be judged.

While living in this new “Reality”, I’m starting to discover more and more about myself. I worry far less, I’ve stopped pleasing others before pleasing myself, and I don’t plan out how my whole life is going to look…

I now see that everything that happens… is just life. I have one shot at this, and it's both a beautiful and ugly thing...

RIP Uncle Ken. I love you.